We all wear various masks to conceal ourselves. If you’ve ever greeted a neighbor you’d rather not talk to, you know exactly what I mean. You smile even though you don’t feel like smiling. You may ask about their day, even though you don’t really care. And you maintain eye contact, nodding along to their seemingly never-ending story, even though mentally you’ve already checked out and wandered off.
Wearing these masks can sometimes feel dishonest or even “fake,” but they are essential to our life as social animals. They’re the glue holding together relationships and whole communities, reconciling our own needs with those of others. Without these subtle acts of self-restraint and performance, social life could become chaotic, marked by unfiltered exchanges that strain relationships and erode trust. In some ways, masking ourselves is less about deceit and more about choosing approximations of kindness and attentiveness when we actually feel like neither.
But there’s another type of mask we often wear, subtler yet deeply ingrained in our psychology. These masks are shaped by expectations about how we should behave, look, or even feel. And if left unchecked, they can cause notable hurt and pain.
The Stories We Believe About Ourselves
We all have internalized stories about who we are and who we should be.
Some of them come from cultural expectations; societal beliefs about what it means to live a “successful” or “acceptable” life. While rarely spelled out explicitly, they saturate our policies, schools, movies, art, and even marketing campaigns. Until recently, for instance, promotional ads often portrayed the “ideal family” as white, heteronormative, and suburban. Boys are expected to be strong and stoic like James Bond, while girls are taught to be pretty and pleasant like Barbie. The influence of such cultural stereotypes is everywhere.
Then there are social expectations – the roles we unconsciously step into as children and carry into adulthood. Maybe you grew up as “the responsible one,” always expected to take care of your siblings. Or perhaps you were “the class clown,” trying to make others laugh to win their approval. These roles can shape how you see yourself for decades, dictating what you pursue and how you handle failure or success.
Finally, there are personal expectations, often influenced by cultural and social pressures but also your own individual history. They might sound like, “I should have everything figured out by now,” or “I must always be kind and selfless.” These internalized demands can make it feel like you’re in a constant battle with yourself – perpetually falling short of some ideal that may not even align with what you truly want.
The Suffocating Weight of “Should”
The word “should” might seem innocuous, but can become a heavy burden when used without care. Because underneath is often a rigid standard that leaves little room for self-compassion or flexibility. More specifically, when you live by “should,” you’re more likely to:
- Overlook your needs: Constantly prioritizing other people’s wishes can leave you disconnected from your own desires.
- Fear failure: Perfectionism thrives on “should” statements, creating anxiety over whether you’re measuring up.
- Feel inauthentic: The more you try to live up to other people’s standards, the more you move away from your own.
The weight of “should” can manifest itself in various ways: stress, burnout, low self-esteem, or a lingering sense of dissatisfaction with life. And while self-improvement culture often markets the idea of “fixing” these flaws, the truth is, you don’t need fixing.
You need freeing.
The Courage to Love Yourself
Letting go of who you “should” be doesn’t mean abandoning self-discipline or refusing to grow. Instead, it’s about cultivating the courage to embrace who you are – flaws, quirks, and all. It’s about releasing the grip of societal, familial, and personal “shoulds” to make space for a more authentic, values-driven life. Here’s how you can begin that process:
Notice Your Masks
Start by observing the roles and expectations you’ve been playing into. When do you feel most compelled to act a certain way or hide certain parts of yourself? For example, do you avoid sharing your struggles because you fear being seen as weak? Or do you say yes to every favor, even when it’s inconvenient, because you fear disappointing others? Journaling about these patterns can help you gain clarity on the masks you wear and why.
Practice Self-Compassion
It’s easy to feel frustrated when you notice how much time you’ve spent chasing external approval. But instead of judging yourself, try to meet these realizations with kindness. Remind yourself that these masks were often created out of a desire to belong, feel safe, or meet the expectations of people you love. One helpful practice is to imagine speaking to yourself the way you would to a close friend. You wouldn’t shame them for struggling; you’d offer support and encouragement.
Clarify Your Values
While expectations often come from external sources, values come from within. Take time to reflect on what truly matters to you – not what you think should matter, but what lights you up. Do you value creativity, kindness, adventure, or honesty? Again, journaling about this question may give you important insights. Your values serve as a compass, helping you navigate life in a way that feels meaningful and authentic.
Take Small, Brave Steps
Living authentically doesn’t mean tearing down every mask overnight. It means making small, intentional choices that align with your values. Maybe it’s speaking up when you disagree with a friend, even if it feels uncomfortable. Or maybe it’s allowing yourself to rest without guilt, knowing that self-care is a valid need. Each step you take reinforces the belief that you are worthy, not because you meet some external standard, but because you exist.
The Beauty of Imperfection
As you let go of who you “should” be, you’ll find something remarkable: your imperfections are not liabilities – they are part of your humanity. The cracks in your armor are where authenticity shines through, inviting deeper connections and a greater sense of freedom.
So the next time you catch yourself striving to be who you think you “should” be, pause. Breathe. And remember: you are enough, just as you are. When you learn to love yourself with all your flaws and shortcomings, you open the door to a life not of perfection, but of wholeness. And that is a life worth living.
